arttistic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- between dreams and reality.. Yee haarrrrrr��!!!!!! Yay!yay! I�m back! Been 2 weeks� I actually was swarmed with moody and major breakdown feelings last week. The feelings are still there but I�ve managed to seal it perfectly and hide it somewhere in my heart. Ok� was really busy with my tote tanks in Murphy Oil actually, the ceo managed to cracked my head down and argued with him because he was not being sensible when it came to the commercial side. Biarla.. dia yang punya company ni, nanti bila tak dapat projek, jangan nak marah aku�hehe. I guess since last weekend my life has been blessed with happiness� both personal and career wise. I am so grateful and thankful. I dedicated few solids months early this year to bid a 14 million project in Prai. All staffs in the company were fully aware of my workloads during that period because of my fluctuate mood swings. I had to get things done� and I sacrificed a helluva lot of my private times because of this. This is our baby� a big milestone for the company and for my career. And I made this happened. I nearly choked in my own tears when I knew that we would win this project. And this is where the dream starts� All of a sudden, I felt so darn good, so sickeningly brilliant, so damned smart because I beat all those Phd men, those commercial managers, those CEOs�hehehe..tapi masalahnya bukan aku yang menjadi pelobi utama.. boss aku. Tapi aku tak kira..aku hari ni memang perasan yang aku bijak laksana sebab aku yang buat that brilliant tender submission tu! ***riak*** keh keh keh! I was on my bed because of kidney infection 2 days back when I got a phone call asking me to prepare for a negotiation meeting in KLCC with Petronas Dagangan and OGP. My heart skipped a beat� oh my God! I�m the youngest engineer and only woman who prepared this bid. Even though, I�m just a part of the team, but since I was the backbone of everything from interfacing to preparing and photostating�, it�s hard to ignore me in this matter. I worked so damned hard.. even when ppl refused to do so, I particularly enjoyed every minute preparing the bid because I worked in a good team. Personally� this is a miracle� a snow in the Sahara. Suddenly, I know where I should go from here. I�m now still thinking whether to leave this company to go for a better one or to ask to be transferred to Prai at the work site. I just don�t know� After the 4 hrs meeting with the clients yesterday, when we were having lunch in Chakri, the ceo told me that he wanted me seconded in the procurement team. Holy shit! This means I have to work under another junior procurement engineer. Im gonna have problems, I know. This sounds bad because she�s at my age� same level, unaware that she�s been competiting unhealthily with me in term of our career and she has the ceo�s regards so high because she�s been working with him directly. And I�m working for his brother. This is bad�. Major bad� erghh! I�m already suffocating now thinking of the thoughts. If she is like any other nice girls I don�t really mind because I can expect that we can become a good team. She refuses to listen� I hate that. I�m gonna hate my self more if this problem becomes severe. I hate the way she looks down on me. Hey..I just secured a 14 million job for the company, what the heck! Why is she so much different from the brother? I don�t know what to do. I have asked Harudin, the upcoming project manager to pull me somewhere in Prai. He�s okay with it but he has got to have the ceo�s approval and my ceo doesn�t believe that woman can perform at site. Ni lah yang buat aku mati kutu ni�the other option that I have is to go to other company for better salary and prospect. But experience is what I want most� apalah aku nak buat ni..malas lak nak pikir� Hmm�well, the most fabulous weekend I had so far happened last Saturday when I was on the bed lying there daydreaming and then I called him. I owed this particular Mr. Breguet a meeting that I had delayed for 6 months and that night his only wish for me came true. And that night turned out to be the best Saturday night in my whole entire life. Never in my life I gained that much courage to stand tall and forget about my self-esteem and inferiority to come and see him. So there was I standing there with all those crystal transparent flaws that night and what I got in return was a warm welcome. I�m still awed by my own gestures and his response. Does anybody know the feelings when we have all the insecurities in the world; all we want is to hide while wading in that insecurity? It formed in me the inferiors and part of me becomes a superb actress. I was hiding through and through. I dreamed of all the things I can never be but then he looked at me and said � I can sense a lot of shyness and inferior in you� All I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for not making things right from the very beginning. And to tell him, I was sorry I hid from him and I don�t want to hide anymore. Told him it was a huge decision to come and see him. Thought he�d be surprise but instead he told me how proud he was by my courage. I was speechless there, I cried. I got all the warmth I wanted all these while� he told me it�s okay to cry. For the first time in many many years, I felt just like a baby .. and then like a 13 year old girl blushing at her first kiss. That day I couldn�t wait to meet this man who inspired me a lot. I got sick of myself of not being fair to both of us. What I wanted was to be accepted and to escape from the bounded guilt I had. So I got out from my hiding nest. I called a good friend for an advice.. and she thought I should do this� and so I did. Its sad to think about this man with so much passions and inspirations lives alone and made loneliness his best friend. He�s very passionate on everything he does. He inspires people but seems so lost in his life.. his memories and past are so very close to him, I think is greater than his dreams. I don�t want to try to change him but I always hope that I can be that person who can give him the piece of peace he wants. I would be more than grateful.. Mr Breguet.. thanks for the wonderful night with you. But most of all I thank you for the real friendship and total acceptance u offered me. I�d bring it to the grave� 8:39 p.m. - 2002-06-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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