arttistic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have never wanted to erase anything No.. I did not terasa of what you said but there were reasons on why I wanted to hide away. As terrible as it was while you were there in the States, at least it showed you the world, you had spaces to go, you grew up there. I, on the other hand was barely 16. I was somebody outside going in and was not accepted by the brood of girls there. At 16. I didn't know where to go (well, but I chose to go there), what to expect and where to begin. Until now, I've always thought that the biggest mistake of my emotional background was sending myself to boarding school. Even though my parents were proud because I was chosen to be in creme de la creme(as the school is called). I never felt that way, not even when the letter showed up and when there were tears of joy. What I wanted was to run away. I would have been glad to anywhere from home. But, some fate twisted, and boom!.. I was transferred there on that March of 94, ready to hit the road. So, it began the journey of 2 long years with hardness, tears, despair, loneliness, humiliations, friendship and rich experiences. Each day, I would scribbled anywhere, counting each day when was I going to get out from that hell. That was the place that built my character, that taught me the real loneliness of being alone, to cope with intolerance and rejections. I learned to survive emotionally there. I never asked to come back to the old school merely because I had some bad times. Perhaps I was too proud. I was the one who asked my mom to go to boarding school. So I swallowed my own pride from my parents so they wouldn't say that I'm weak. When my boss now commented on my performance in my appraisal form as "survive the pressure", what I wanted to say to him out loud was that what I went through was 30 times harder because I was just this young adolescent trying to cope with life. I don't have to elaborate in details for it would seem a bit exaggerating of what I went through all those while. Let me keep it here. My life, was really rough during that 2 years stage. Emotionally challenged. Imagine being in that space like a prison where u could only go out 11 times a years. You couldn't even run without being expelled. You couldn't even breathe without being heard. You couldn't even move without being seen. I have never told anyone this, not even to the man I wanted so much to love and cherish my life. But I'm doing it now..it's high time.. But as you said cik kieli..:)..there are some blessing in disguise. I wouldn't be here where I am now if it was not because of that school. I do.. feel proud of that place at times. I 'd be lying if I say I hate that place completely. I became stronger because of it. I found Ida, my best friend there and started a long friendship that flows with my blood now, I found Zamani who was everything sweet and added colors in my years there, I found certain individuals who felt the same who, I am now proud to call old friends and I am proud that I can now manage to cope with certain things which university and classrooms failed to provide. It's the skill of life that is important now. Give me time to show to the people who looked down on me to be everything I dream to be now. I have no reason to be in touch with them just because we came from the same school. I am now in a stage where I want to redeem all that I failed to show. Courage and pride are what left for me to pick. And just because I bumped into one of them now blogging here, that doesn't change a bit. Let her discover herself.. because I'm just another stranger and a diarylander now. :) When Zaid told me I'm a tough lady, I told him that he was wrong... but think about it again, I may look a bit strong to him..but tough? nahh... :) 3:53 p.m. - 2002-07-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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