arttistic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mad woman of depression I hate living in this body right now. My back hurts constantly. I feel a constant tiredness. The feeling is similar like when I sit too long or sleep too much. This pain is deeper, though. It's depressing because it refrains me from staying in the office more. Maybe it's too much driving anyway. I would love to finish all my works right away but there's this feeling of procrastination that's been dampening my activities. I just hate being me at this time. I feel so lazy, my project dateline is approaching and millions of works/problems are yet to be solved. My Brunei associates has been asking a lot of this and that. I barely moved my fingers to reply his email. I applied self-forced on everything work-related I've done this week. It's crazy. I've been pining away too great. It's really bad when the whole week I have actually had this affinity of sadness. God, how did I bear with myself? This feeling has empowered me eversince the holiday ended last Sunday. The night before I started work, I felt this painful surge shooting my back. I felt so tired almost abruptly. Somebody here has suggested me to go for a specialist check-ups and I am seriously considering it. It could be my cholesterol level or the state of stress that I am in. But I hardly do anything that could lead me to the stress, well at least I think that way. I tried to feel happy and positive for myself. Even tried to write smething that I feel happy for. At the end, I just couldnt do it. The active (in my opinion) diary this week proves that I am so damn lazy. Asyik nak mengadap internet je, takde keje lain. Hampes betul. -------------------------------------- My partner, whom I've held the utmost respect so far failed me miserably yesterday. Being a lot older, I cannot understand what draws him back. I cannot read his mind or why does he has been indecisive about a lot of things. It was me, as usual, being so obnoxiously hard-headed trying to provoke him. Don't ask me why he bears with me still when his maturity is immeasurably far compared to mine. Relationship, this time, is far more complex than what I have always thought. This man with the quiet aura that surrounds him was totally the opposite man that I originally knew from work. Work-wise, he makes everything fast pace but knowing the other side of him, he's a deeper thinker with an expression you'd hardly guess. He's always being choosy about what he wants in life. So many times I felt so unworthy or unfit being in his shoes. But each time, I was assured the contrary. Eventhough I hate not seeing him as much as I would like, I forced myself to balance out our professional-personal relationship. I do wonder sometimes why did I meet him at this stage of his/my life, a simple calm person who is so unlike me. Why now? Why.. when he has millions of burden in his shoulder yet appeared to be light each time we meet. Fate, I do believe in you. I wonder everyday of my life when I will have another long walk with by the beach like we had months ago in front of the beautiful lansdscape of Rasa Sayang Shangri-La beach, Batu Ferringhi. The almost sinking sands, the childish giggles.. those were brief but unforgettable.. 5:17 p.m. - 2004-01-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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