arttistic's Diaryland Diary

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let my prayers be heard

Its a long road when you walk this road alone.

I am at the moment dealing with the biggest challenge of my personal life.This silence in me is unbroken except into few sobs.I am not sure God hadgiven this as a test or a blessing in disguise for what I'd be having in thenear future. It's strange to know that at times I found myself selfish enough towreck something I initially didn't mean too. I have become a strange person and cellared all emotions unknown except to this one person.

In my journey to become a better person, there were times when it makes me run in circles for few years. I have too long been in the circles and now I'm just plain tired. As easy at it sounds to be running this way, it is even easier to lead the life in my comfort zone. Which gets me nowhere to the right but bramble path. It makes me understand why humans are perpetually hungry for challenges and changes in them.

The scariest part of it you tried to listen of what your heart desires and what your core needs, only to ultimately hurting others and those who are emotionally weaker than you. If guilts are what that surround me right now, I'll never be able to let my presence be felt.� Today, I can choose to trackback and spend years of my life wondering if I can find this again and start over. Or I can set my mind to get what I want but seeing others crying silently over my happiness will absolutely harbour guilts till the day I die. At times, I don't know how� to fit the concept of 'redha' in here when it comes to my 'takdir'. It certainly not picturesque here on this long road I'm taking now.

Over the years that I have been brought up to, it dawned to me that I've always wanted my eloquent voice be heard and now when there were opportunities spread out in front of me, I found my self speechless. Everything� that goes right now are expected years ago but I cant avoid this dangling issue no
more. Somehow I have to face this painful truth when dreams, fears and guilts tocollide.

All I want is just to be there to the harbour where I'm forever home. I canhold to no one and have only prayers with me now. Let the rest be taken care ofand those prayers be heard. May the courage to face this be with me now.�

I certainly dont want to be knocking down this tiny house.

�

2:47 p.m. - 2005-07-16

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