arttistic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a harbor where I am forever home... "Do you know what is home for me? It's when I close my eyes and my mind flows with the memories when I was 5 swaying happily on the swing that my father made for us under the house. I remember vividly those time. I remember my uncle used to come to the house and he would ask of my dad's whereabouts with his Kelantanese accent. I want to reside there in the years after my retirement. It was peaceful...and then only will I think of marriage..." When a friend recited this story to me, that night I was dumfounded. My gazed fell down and the mind wandered far to his story. Aprrehension suddenly crept. Where is home for me? There is a story I scarcely wanted to tell in which I have never told anyone but one person in my whole life. For years in my late university days till now, I keep imagining myself walking alone on that beach in front of a small cozy house... as an old woman. Well...maybe not too old. This serious thought keep repeating and emblazoning in my mind. On that long isolated beach, there was I walking in a dress and a cardigan gazing deeply out to the sea. I could almost hear the wind breezes on my face, the silent sound of the sea, the chirping happy birds all around me and the long sun that almost falling down to sunset. These are the true meaning of my peacefulness and tranquility. A harbor where I am forever home. The thought about getting there in the years to come made me feel strong and maternal and under control. Only patience... To those who know my obsession with beaches must understand this. I have always wanted to settle in Terengganu, on the marvelous beach of the South China Sea, away from this suffocating city. I remember a particular day in Besut 6 years back, on that hill facing the beautiful Pulau Perhentian...*I'm going to come back here* That silent chant eventually became a promise without me knowing it. When other people dreaded the thought of being transferred to Kerteh, my eyes were gleaming instead.. bursting with I-wanna-go-there look. I guess on that beach only will I finally feel belong. This will be the time that I will want to give up every material thing to be traded with somekind of quiet happiness. If tomorrow ever comes with a little shine for me, I don't want to walk alone on that beach. I hope there will be somebody who will share my gaze looking out to the sea in the same direction. It would be nice.. This is a intimate thought I have never shared with anyone but one. This one person who whispered... "I'll never let you walk alone on that beach again..." But that was before.. before I have grown up becoming the woman that I am now. That was the promise up till now I refuse to erase even when now I know it won't happen. I share this thought today to open up a bit of myself that many people do not know. Not even my good friends. Don't be cheated when you think I am as expressive in person. I am not. My inability to voice out what I want is only clear to me. I am very good at hiding. So damn good that I know people fail to detect what I want. Even when I get hurt by what people said, they wont know. My childhood certainly taught me myriads of things. To be entangled in this kind of emotion is not easy. I still can't speak up and be heard. It's hard. Insecurity always win at the end. Here..I just know how to write... To that friend of mine, I wonder what will you say of MY own version of home. Do you think yours has the same element of mine? Just wonder... 5:24 p.m. - 2002-08-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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