arttistic's Diaryland Diary

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unappreciation hits deep

I need to vent this out..

Why?why?why?... I have been on the verge to cry and break down all morning. The word is out. We officially secured that Prai project yesterday. The Letter of Award was presented with style..the mr ceo himself went to collect it in that posh office in KLCC..again with style.

I should have been happy...a merry young engineer who should flash her 10 thousand megawatt proud smile up to the ears.

I did not.

I went for dinner with Harudin and Kak Jaa yesterday. As usual, I'd nag him to death about wanting to get out from the office.. ready to pick up the job at the site. I might get what I want if things were right. Harudin, who's suppose to take the role as the Project Manager in Prai backed off last minute because of his commitment to the MCOT project in Miri. But he has the power to pull anybody he wants to be in Prai. I've been telling him for ages.. he might put me somewhere. That's fine. I'm happy enough.

But what I did not prepare was his remark like this:
"If you want to work under me, you have got to work and to have the mentality like F!"
I looked at him in disbelief but I sulked in. I couldnt help hiding my emotion. I went quiet the whole time during dinner.. only pass a remark or two or smiling half-heartedly at what he said. Technically, I was wearing my heart on my sleeve.. which is so rare for me but I couldn't help it. I have been on a vulnerable stage for a while and I don't want to hide anymore.

Apparently, my work, my sweat and my commitment of getting that damned project is not good enough. Why does he has to compare?Why cant anybody see that I really perform in my work? There goes my sleeps for months..my sweat..my time away from my family.. apparently those are not enough.

He noticed my changes and said something. I told him you havent worked with me.. you do not know my capability.You dont even know how committed I can be and how hard i have tried.As I always be, I managed to keep my discomfort cool. I tried not to bring F into the conversation. Well, she's the procurement engineer I blabbed about the other day.

I hate it, despise it when people start comparing. This is major bad..because I don't really like her that much since day one we met.Asyik mengipas boss je. I do work like her only not as obvious because I am stucked in this small comfortable rut. Harudin said it in a manner that really hurt it felt like somebody's slitting my throat. I thought he understands all these while. And he also said something like "kalau nak kerja dengan saya, you have to forget about boyfriends, mak, ayah, family..to complete the work" Well I happen to have a mother..I wonder how does she feel when she hears this...

I need to get some air.. dont want anybody to see my funny face...

10:53 a.m. - 2002-06-14

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