arttistic's Diaryland Diary

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a midnight insight

This was written sometimes ago..

I kinda got sick today.. my good mood is deteriorating. Got sober the whole sober day ...oh,whatever.

I remember what a friend said in her h/page:

For some strange reason I cannot tell, we just dont talk anymore... we are too absorbed with our own agendas that we forgot that others are in need.

How right is that statement, I can't even measure. There are times when selfishness completely conquered me. Strange as it is, I just stop thinking about my past. Those painful and wonderful chapters I had. Those rich experiences about growing up. What I care now is too move on. I waited so long for this... just as I predicted how it would be. But what left me unprepared is how overwhelm the impact it has upon me. I have gone through the transition from being a good, naive girl to the woman i 'm not even proud of now. All happened in just a year gap. Only I understand what have I done to my own self.

Meeting him was the pin- point of how it all started. I don't blame him but the constant questions on why he has to be the prominent mark of everything that happened today is not fair for me. He was right about what I'm gonna face today. In fact, he was right about a lot of things. I had a long talk with him today.. why after so long did he come back? as somebody different.. why? He said he still cares. I know he does. He always does. But how can I forget those lonely and painful days that passed me by? I thought my nights were lost and had to bear with that empty space in my life. But he taught me one valuable lesson that I will not forget. He taught me how to stand tall while being rejected.For as long as I could remember, my insecurity about my self took away my self esteem. But he managed to destroy all.

It took alot of time, lessons and insights for me to stand again. But at least I managed to stand. In the midst of all my fears and insanity, I stopped dead in my track and told my self that I had enough. But had I not defied him in the first place last time, today I'd probably still stuck with him, which I never wanted it to happen that way. It could be blessing in disguise. Maybe he came into my life to serve some sort of purpose, teach me a lesson, or to help me figure out who am I or who I want to become.

I tried to be careful nowadays but still, its lonely here. I was a lonely kid when I grew up but I didnt really expect to be this lonely again when I'm an adult. Nobody knows who I really am and nobody has ever tried to look into my eyes and see what's inside.

I gained out-of-nowhere courage to meet an internet friend early this month. I myself gotta have a shock in life?Err..are you ok? yes... I am. I need to break free and i don't want to put hopes anymore. It would be utterly pointless to put hope in men these days. But anyway, this guy is a nice man and so full of passion and very very P.O.L.I.T.E. But I barely know him as he barely knows me. Its not fair at times when I happen to be so alone at night and I called him up. Hehehe... I cant help it. maybe he makes me feel good. That is so not right . Ive met him few times and still..I remained my unperturbed smile at all times.

Why is it when 2 people are very close yet at times the soul and intimacy are so far away? I feel something is not right now... Gotta go... Aishiteru..:) tata...