arttistic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm just tired... I know I'm not being fair enough to this diary. I didnt put into account of what really happened in my so-called boring life. At times I just don't care. I was under maximum pressure for the last 10 days. The workloads are killing. Barely breathe.. and yes I did complained a lot. Lost 3 kg, my brain is tired and I figure that there is no need to justify what's really going on in my life right now. All the whims and fancies. It kills to be in this position. I was on the verge of breaking down last 2 days. Still, I do not know the path I'm suppose to choose. I didn't cry my heart out. Just tried to be stronger but how long that strong can support the life of my sinking heart? Life now circles in my comfortable seat in the office. I need to take a break.. so desperately. I can still recall what my ceo said this morning. That I have reservations in what I do. I don't reach out or let loose or even drive all out. He was right. He did ask me of what I wanted. I told but didn't tell him how unhappy I am about my works. He said sumthing about it's being a flaw to somebody with my intellectual. He was absolutely right. I have dedication to what I do...but what I lack is passion which I do think is a flaw. Maybe it's about insecurity. I have a big heart towards my career but just when I thought that I knew where I was heading, I seemed so lost along the way. I am still contemplating on whether to leave the company or stay here and fucks my brains out, enjoy the salary, continue flirting with hasni or my clients and all the comfortable spaces and perks I am having now. It's fear, I know. It's not all that bad... but I want more. O dear.. Im becoming so greedy here. My ceo, as bad as he is, however is a very intelligent man (ok, fine..i respect him a lot). I don't particularly enjoy his decisions, but I give his views and perspectives respect. I am still thinking of what he said this morning, do you want to become an engineer or a consultant?. Commercially, of course an engineer but when I couldn't grab the things I want technically, that's when I started to think like a consultant. It's like the story of a rabbit with no balls. That's what they said about a consultant who do not know how things are actually moving with money how how it really works. The just consult. Zaid said that I have a love-hate relationship with my job. Entah la.. betul kot apa dia cakap. But ultimately, I have to focus and choose my path. My brain needs a break.. I think Im going for a long vacation next month before ramadhan. And there's 2 trips to Brunei I have to settle.. passport dah mati la pulak.. adoi.. malasnya nak pegi.. sapa nak ganti?? anybody? ************************************************** Mr J, my client is asking me out for dinner in Prai next week. I want to go but.... dunno whether it's ethically wise since he's a married man. Fareh, me boss said that he has already appointed me as the informal informer of the company. Fareh dear.. I know that Mr J is a very good spy digging out the real story behind the project from me. But if you think I'm that stupid to spill all the company's secret, u gotta think twice. I have my own interests. I know what I should tell Mr J to keep the project going as well as I know what to hide from him to keep my managers and colleagues from getting troubles. I made some mistakes before and semalam dia dah kena sindir.. he's aware. Maybe I'm just using him.. hmm so bad of me, heh? ;P p/s: I have a story of what I have learned about men for the past 1 year.. wait for the next entry.. IF im not a lazy bitch next time..haha 6:57 p.m. - 2002-10-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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