arttistic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- make mygoodself move Dunno if I could escape madness here. Dunno if I could fork up all emotions and let it go here.There just aint enough space. My head hasn't been well of late and my mood is deteriorating. I am wondering of this thing call procrastination. It was my decision to wait till this baby project ends. When I had a long thought few months back, I found out the best solution is to have patient and wait.But to wait means to carry other big responsibilities thrown over my shoulders. Am I too young to face this? AM I READY? I hate everybody to think that I could do better when I cannot. Fareh always said to me that I should set my own pace. Yeah, sure but the pace I am walking now is his, not mine. To be the person that I am now... is sapping out my strength because I am so tired, emotionally. I am unable to define a person who resents badly her primary job yet so madly in love with the secondary one. I want to break into a shrieking protest, go into hysteric phase screaming to everyone to leave me alone. I can't. All I did was weeping in silence when I thought nobody would hear. The truth is nobody hears. Never mind if I scream on the top of my lung in a room full of people, nobody hears me. Everything seems to evoke madness lately. I despise Fareh today because he forbids me to be in Prai next week. I wanted to tell him to fuck off and let me do my other job. I haven't been there for a month and I have missed the important part of my education in my career. I couldn't help thinking why did he sell empty promises to me. Just when I found something I finally love to do( my secondary task , that is) the challenge is too great to bear. He already have me for weeks and weeks doing his damn job. I am still reporting to other bosses in Prai. Of late, I have been doing reports without actually see what really happened. I so feel like a dummy being dumped everywhere. I am wondering why Fareh dumped this big unfamiliar task to me. To manage a 50 million job bid practically alone is unfair. Unless if I have passion for this task, that would be a different story. The passion I have is for that other task. And I wonder now why haven't I left my job. Why am I still here? Unable to go, unwilling to leave. Is it because Mr. J told me to wait so I could gain more? Is it because I am afraid of the challenges out there and my seat now has become a comfortable little rut? The answer is ..maybe. To leave means I will never see this project commissions. I might never see how it ends. I might not see Mr J again and watch him flashing his adorable smile to me. I will not have the chance to learn more from him about project management and the excuses to have lunch with him will be gone. I might never see him again no matter how much we want to because I know I would stay away from him. Married men aren't mine to touch. At least, I try not to. I hope this stupid crush won't last long. Just don't wanna get bruised at heart. Malas la.. I will break the stillness of my life today. I have this procrastinated little plan of so long that I want to finish. Even though vague and need lots of luck, I will try. I recall my mother saying if she didn't marry my dad, she wouldn't have changed her life. And I know if I dont do this, I won't change mine. No, I am not getting married. :) I will finish this even though I have no idea if it's storm or calm ahead of me. 4:46 p.m. - 2003-02-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||