arttistic's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

trying hard to look ahead

I met a my Univ. friend Ila for lunch today. She used to complete her internship in final semester with me in the current company I am working with now. I remember how I was whining and complaining about the company while she was a bit hang loose of what she thought of her career. She said she was ok if the company offered her a permanent compared to me,..being a hard headed one, said a NO-NO. But fate twisted. It was me who got the job and stayed (like I had a choice then).

She married her college sweetheart and now 8 months pregnant. The wedding was very small but I couldnt care less. I am the kind of person who would attend everybody's wedding. No matter how far, except one in Kuching and Pantai Timur because there was no flights and bcoz my ankle was twisted. There were only 18 girls (the rest of hundreds were boys) in my batch in Uni. and 10 of them are married. Half of them ended up being lecturers in Polytechnics.

The thing is, looking at very pregnant Ila, made me wonder how is it I will change and commit myself to the institutional of marriage. I'm ambitious about my career, has a big plan on it, ready to set the world on fire and obviously I don't know how to juggle between two. Above all, I do want to get married, have a good family and have bunches of kids. Of late, since meeting my partner I came to realize that I have changed a bit of my plans of looking forward. Unconsciously, I began to tailor my needs to his needs and this doesn't sound good. I realize that I have to sacrifice a major part of my career in order to be a good wife and mother. Unless, I was born with a golden wreath on my head, I dont have to think about future.

I cant be a Project Control Engineer as I have planned to be.

This job will take my time away from my family. This job will require me to be at site full time and I know I cant do it. At least not in the future.

So much for being a woman right?