arttistic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just a thought I was quite appalled by what my dear friend, Nurul had to reveal about me few nights back. Apparently, as a friend, the support I gave was not enough when it comes to her personal relationship. I dont know why I need to justify the situation here but at times I couldn't tell her what I feel. Ever know the situation when you have your own opinion, thousands of questions seem to be spinning in your head and but the words just stuck halfway even before you start to speak? Hmm.. that's it.. that's what I feel. Nurul, with all my conscience, who once had a doomed relationship with a spineless man is practically in searching of THE ONE for her of late. From what she said, behaved and projected, she's been gauging every man discreetly to see the potential of being THE ONE. I guess, I can conclude the behavior as an act of loneliness. Aw, boy.. you don't have to tell me about it. I know what loneliness is all about. I know how does it feel to walk into a room full of people, masked a laughing face and still did not feel belong. I know what does it feel to be a loner child growing up alone, barely making any friends and till now I still suck at mingling. Growing up, I learned how to be a perfect drama queen so I could hide my insecurities and problems. I know until now it's really hard to tell what I feel compared to what I think because I dont open up. I dont even open up when it come to relationship. People could hardly tell that being a really chatty person with lots of stories to tell, that I am so insecure inside. I know that I have always made the impression of not caring. Well perhaps it's too obvious or perhaps that's how I really feel. I was really taken aback of what Nurul said but come to think about it again, it's not that I don't care, it's just that I want her to really make up her mind when it comes to choosing. I don't have the power to make a certain decision for her. As always, I would carefully voice up what I think, and if what I said did not register in her mind or just would not tailor to her need, it's ok for me. I will always have my own opinion. Well maybe I have been selfish, bored her too death, too caught up with my own stories that I failed to listen. But this is me, being persistent of an answer is a trait I've been carrying for so long. It bugs, I know.. :). I have always wanted my friends to be happy. Same goes in Nurul's case. Most of the time, I tried not to sound pathetic being blunt and direct voicing up what I feel. The harsh words/questions would always stuck halfway and I ended up tongue tied. Keeping quiet always proves beneficial, saving up the bruise in the friendship. The decision is always hers. I will always respect whatever decision she makes and try giving support in whatever she does. The impressions we get from other people are sometimes wrong. Nurul who has been a significant part of my pre-adult life, has a loyal and keen ears listening to me. Something I cannot ignore because I am aware of what she knows about me seems to be above par than most of my friends. Still, like what Breguet said, being insecure, I dont open up much. I hide too much, even in my current relationship with my partner. Things are much more complicated. Always, I refuse to be sad and seems happy all the time. Well, talking to him does make me happy. There's a long long way to go before he finally gets to know me. He doesn't even know the hard patch I am going through right now. Too many times I wished that somebody could read my mind, feel the bitter taste at the back of my throat (okay..I don't that literally, heh!) but I dont give a chance to many people. It's me sometimes who craps out on me. Hmm.. Breguet used to say that I always resort telling about my work as if it's the only thing that make me feel good about my life. He's right. Because of what happened in the past, I am trying to compensate or repay with what I have with my works now. I believe I can make it, there's no stop or turning back since I graduated. In this case, I dont care. But maturity always reminds me to keep my feet on the ground, not forgetting where I came from. It's driven by money, power, courage and sometimes hatred. I hope this ambitious drive doesn't kill me or anyone else in the future. Work wise, they just confirmed that I shall be shipped to India probably end of next week. Most itineraries have yet to be decided. I'll be crossing half across India in 4-5 days starting from Chennai (Madras) to Hyderabad and finally to Mumbai. Hope to see Shah Rukh Khan there. hehehe.. God.. I am not sure I will have enough money to go shopping..like I will have the time. We'll be having like endless meetings, traveling hours on roads (no highways, man!), few flights to catch and by the time we finish, I'd be flat tired and doubt that I have the luxury of sightseeing or shopping. We'll see. I want to try a REAL Indian Mehendi (Henna Tatooing). Perhaps I could try on before I come back to KL. :) 8:52 p.m. - 2003-06-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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