arttistic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tell me the story Unfortunately Miss Prudence writes again. I simply left the blog life behind for the past 3 months. Away from the incessant thoughts in my head. Away from the rich experiences, bad or good, which I had flatly refused to put in writings even if it�s worth to be recorded. Some things are just meant to be looked away. Till this moment, I am merely a reader to this blogs circle and I haven�t been one since I came back from my JB/Kuantan trip last month. Not even to my favorite one. This is an attempt to write this blog before I start reading someone else�s first. These words today come from a deep thought that it is okay to bare yourself or to even wear your heart on your sleeve once in a while. Being in my adult days now, I envy my friends who live in a protected world, unaware of what�s really happening out there. They live in a circle where the society can never go too far or too harsh. They become the role models for another for being in an honorable and respected position. I envy those people who live life around that circle not carrying that sign of chaos as in mine. I chose to be where I am now. I paid the price for having chosen this path and get to be exposed to all bitterness in the world in return. It changed me tremendously for the past 3 years that I didn�t know I would grow up this fast. Suddenly everything is different, your speech, your vision, your thoughts, your needs and even your friends. As much as I envy those protected people, it is almost impossible that I become like them. My needs are bigger. I am only somebody out looking in. I was thrown in a position where I could be in both of right and left lane. In the disparity of trying to stay straight in the right lane, I had to seek solace from God to give me strength to become better. It was difficult to be in this position. I learned that pleasure is fleeting and your good deeds are eternal. I learned through hell of how to be composed and stand still after being reprimanded sorely. I learned to take cynicism and criticism and swallowed all of it like antacids. I may not like it but it helped a great deal during my development days. I learned how to cover my own ass and faked my emotion. I learned not to care if people are talking all sort of bad things behind your back because you can never close a �mulut tempayan�. No matter how bothered I was, I learned to stand up and get real. You don�t have to take revenge by stupid ness. I learned not to tolerate pushy people who think they are right merely because they think they are smarter than I am. Or because they read more books than I did. No matter how intelligent we are or having been immersed ourselves in the sea of books can never beat the experiences we had. Wisdom only comes through experience. The fact that now my so-called good friends do not speak the same language or be in the same frequency answers so many questions unasked. It intrigues me in a lot of ways that many people around me are too na�ve for their own age. It bothers me as hell that I feel the conversations that used to make me in a lighter mood failed to lighten the mood itself now. And I�m not saying I am not na�ve. Even Saddam Hussein was na�ve for believing of the unions of Arabs in his era. But some of us simply refuse to grow up and still being kiddos in adult bodies. I may not be perfect in every way. The fact that not everybody was born or raised the way I was ridiculed me for a while. My partner once told me during a serious conversation over the big M-subject to never think that my child could survive what I endured all these while. It had me thinking with a certain level of depthness that I could always be ferociously self-centered at times. And many times, I know.. I was being seen as a villain of the story. Most of the times I just don�t care. I wonder if it�s na�ve to think that people around me can always take me as I am? Maybe it is. Sometimes, it�s great to just blame others instead of pointing it at your face. Perhaps it�s not too late to congratulate my friend mimi for her wedding. I wish you all the best in your life and all the beautiful babies to come. You looked really lovely on that day. :) And for those people who actually laughed at her, never believing that she would have made it this far, suit yourself! She proved it.. not you.. 3:02 p.m. - 2004-01-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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