arttistic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- untangled How should I put it? My experiences over the last 6 weeks have taken me somewhere in a pit hole. Do you know what happens when life is trying to be funny with you? When everything you do seems wrong at the very wrong time? Or you keep wondering what had you done to be wronged in such a way? I have been incessantly thinking by myself, talking silently when my already marauding minds slithered father away. I have been depressed without reasons. I envy the whole world for their happiness. I have dreamed to be in a different land on a wrong time. I lost focus. I barely hear what my boss has been saying, what my mother has been babbling and what my dad has been telling. And I hit my lowest point during hari raya. Trapped in a confined space. Not even my partner was there. Im still drifting...but not as bad like 3 weeks back. I even managed to update the blog today. I have been wearing different mask to work everyday. I keep my feelings well locked inside. Sometimes it burst uncontrollably but always when I am alone. This is what depression feels like. So, this is what Ida has been feeling all the while. I know about it now when the emotional intelligence is lower than zero. This feeling is what keeps you behaving like a raving maniac. It feels absurd when you think about it. But once the black wave hits you, there�s no way to turn back. The of milestones that affected me for the last 6 weeks: * Watching someone close to me falls her every step with a married man who can even manage to charm a snake. The na�ve girl just unable to see the pit hole from hell she�s digging. She plays my role in a play where I was in 3 years ago. It rendered me into pieces to be reliving inevitable history again. * I finally met Ida after almost 2 years of avoiding her looking surprisingly better inside out. We tried slowly to pick up the pieces we left years ago. * Watching a friend lost her father the night before raya. I didn�t know where I picked up courage to console and meet her even when I was myself blurred, feeling battered with swollen eyes. * I hit bottom pit during raya. Trapped for 24 hours. I ran, ran and ran�how pathetic is it when you wanted to eat rendang and crying all over yourself at the same time. * Sent Butet to Germany to be with Ammar. I still miss her laugh through these years of friendship. * Envy every bit of Nurul�s life with Mash, feeling that I�d never be that way. * My travel plan halted again when I realized I wouldn�t be able to beat the cold. It struck me panic, as I really need to go away. Spent the days sulking again. * I cancelled an auction bid for a condo I wanted to buy because I didn�t want to gain money out of somebody else�s misery. Thus, a chance of huge money is lost in a future. * After 2 months of hesitations, I forced myself to workout in the gym. I slowly feel the energy coming back. Tried to even get frequent spa sessions in my fav Indonesian place in Hartamas. At least it works and for few hours I learned how to relax. I hope I�ll continue to be fine again somehow. I think for the past 6 weeks I�ve never felt any lonelier in my adult life. 6:55 p.m. - 2004-11-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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